I must sincerely apologize for the deplorable contretemps that occurred at your New Year's Eve Party last evening. I can assure you that had I not been tricked into thinking it was a Harry Potter Costume party, I would not have come dressed as such. I certainly did not mean to surface your long buried, and deeply rooted fear of all things magical.
I supposed I should have realized when most attendees were dressed in rather muggle-like, excuse me, I mean normal clothing, that something was amiss. I did not, however, realize the depths of my faux pas until those truly incredible, I mean, horrible magic events began to entertain your guests.
I assure you that I am not a witch, no matter how long you have thought thusly of me. I have no clue how the bowls of candy turned into Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, nor how they actually functioned like those in the book. Additionally, I was not aware of your fear of being pecked to death by canaries, but had I known, I can assure you I would not have encouraged your husband to try the candy. He really was only trying to kiss you and wish you a Happy New Year.
Furthermore, the "wand" I brought is not a real wand, not even one that was purchased off of the internet. I made it myself from a branch of a tree I found lying on the ground in the park. The fact that my firework display overshadowed your simulation of the dropping of the ball at midnight was not intentional. I was simply pointing out the lights to another guest and the totally awesome magic spurts came right out as I pointed the tip to indicate the direction she should look.
I am intensely aware that your grievances are too numerous to mention but I most humbly apologize for all, en masse. Indeed, I am reminded of them nearly every moment of the day as my ears are still ringing from your amazingly high-pitched, piercing screams.
Should you ever come out of your house again, please do consider holding another party. I promise never to mention, well, nevermind.
Your (former) Boss
Ms. Candula Palmer
P.S. As you requested, enclosed, please find your final paycheck.